20160309175201!Batman_v_Superman_posterWhen a superhero movie gets announced and created, I am always 100% hoping for the best. I want my world of geek goodness to be shared with the world and I want people who maybe weren’t into comics and all of that before to be brought into it by seeing how cool it can be.

Despite my feelings towards Man of Steel (I had disdain for it, to say the least), I hoped for the best with Batman vs. Superman. To say that I was disappointed would be a MASSIVE understatement.

Thomas and Martha Wayne
Just in case you didn’t already know from the 100 Batman movies, comics and TV shows that came before Batman vs. Superman: BRUCE’S PARENTS DIE. Spoilers, I know. Do you know how they die? OF COURSE YOU DO. It’s been shoved down our throat in every single Batman thing EVER (more or less) so yeah, we’re aware that Bruce is an orphan. WE TOTALLY GET IT.

And yet, Zack Snyder felt it was SUPER ESSENTIAL TO THE PLOT to show us (once more with feeling) the deaths of Thomas and Martha Wayne. It has no relevance to the plot of THIS movie at all, as it’s not an origin story of Batman whatsoever. Not only do they show us the death but they put a whole new spin on it in which Martha’s pearls somehow get WRAPPED AROUND the gun before she meets her maker.

As if that wasn’t enough, from there they feel the need to flashback to the murder sequence a few additional times. You know, just in case you forgot. Again.

The Dream Sequences
I’m pretty sure editors are a thing when it comes to screenplays. I’m PRETTY SURE. But whoever looked over the script and gave it a big thumbs up needs to be fired and never allowed back into film again.

These long, pointless dream sequences somehow made it into the final cut of the film. The first one with Bruce Wayne levitating up TOWARDS THE LIGHT by a group of bats that he discovers in the cave he finds post-parental death.

Cue “Up Where We Belong”…

There’s another RIDICULOUS Batman dream sequence where clearly Zack Snyder just REALLY wanted to do something from Superman: Red Son (or jerk off to Mad Max) and he does post-apocalyptic Batman running around in his Batman costume WITH a trench coat (as if it doesn’t look hot enough in the goddamn desert) while also fighting bad guys. For the record, Batman looks hella stupid with his cowl on AND scavenger wasteland goggles and yet that isn’t the dumbest thing about this sequence, which goes on for FAR TOO LONG.

Lois Lane
Like Lois in Man of Steel, we don’t actually ever get to see her BEING smart. It’s her word against all the stupid things she continually does over and over again. Amy Adams reprises her role as the iconic character and in Batman vs. Superman, she wins us over with her first line “I’m not a lady, I’m a reporter!” like you can’t be one if you’re the other.

Ok, we get it. You don’t to JUST be seen as a woman. That’s respectable. Ask your interview questions and wow us with your intelligence.

“So, are you a terrorist?” she asks to the KNOWN TERRORIST that she is interviewing knowing full well that he’s a terrorist.

Oh, ok. So that’s where we’re at. Cool cool cool.

I wish I could say that this is the only instance of her being portrayed as an idiot in the film (all whilst being TOLD that she’s like, super smart), but she puts herself in danger constantly in the worst ways and just has no real purpose for existing in this film other than to be Superman’s hot, sexy (supposedly smart) bathtub candy.

Lex Luthor
Enter quite possibly the worst superhero villain portrayal that I have ever seen on the big screen. Jesse Eisenberg is nothing short of insufferable with the worst dialogue (second to what Lois Lane is given) and decides that acting is just making a series of really strange facial movements to demonstrate how crazy and weird and brilliant he is.

Honestly, I don’t want to recommend seeing this movie to you, but Jesse Eisenberg’s portrayal of Luthor can’t really be described so much as just witnessed in horror. It’s kind of like someone is having a mental heart attack but on their face.

Murderous Batman
Batman’s ONE CAVEAT is always that he never kills anyone. Goooooone are those days with Snyder at the helm. Not only do we have Superman who lacks the ability to give a crap about the people around him, but Bats doesn’t give a hoot either. Our supposed heroes frolic through the film like Gimli and Legolas in Lord of the Rings, trying to see who can kill more people.

Batman even gets pretty sadistic in the movie, going so far as to brand his victims, which acts as a way of somehow making the other inmates angry? The brand is a death sentence for anyone who gets it and winds up in jail. I don’t understand how or why this is a thing but it’s a thing.

The argument has been made to me several times over that the killing happens in the Marvel movies but for some reason, I find it inexcusable here. However, the characters in the Marvel movies aren’t CONSTANTLY throwing “I DON’T KILL PEOPLE!!!!!” in your face over and over again *cough Batman cough*.

Yes, people die in The Avengers films and there is collateral damage but how the MCU portrays mass destruction is a goddamn army of aliens invading New York City and heroes trying to do their best to minimize the deaths. In Man of Steel and Batman vs. Superman, it feels GLORIFIED. They go OUT OF THEIR WAY to bring the fights into the city and to populated areas where there will be significant causalities. Wonder Woman in her first 30 seconds (as Wonder Woman) asks the question on everyone’s mind: “Why did you bring the monster back to the city?!”

Well Batman?

Wonder Woman
There is not a goddamn bad thing to say about Wonder Woman. Do I wish that maybe they had chosen a slightly less Size 0 actress? Yes. Do I think Gal Gadot it the perfect choice? No. Do I like what she did with the role and think she kicks serious ass? Most definitely. Will I be seeing the Wonder Woman movie with her in it? Ab-so-f*cking-lutely.


She’s the only reasonable character in the film and acts like a woman who has had more than enough of idiot men in her life. Too bad she just discovered these dumb dumbs.

There are a few moments in the film where I was genuinely invested and enjoyed the crap out of it. One of Batman’s fight scenes much later on in the movie is epic. It’s well shot and he uses his surroundings to take down a ton of bad guys that greatly outnumber him. It would’ve been nearly perfect had Batman not picked up a gun after a point and just started shooting everyone.

Doomsday is ridiculous. He is just absolutely ridiculous. BUT, the fight stuff where Wonder Woman is revealed and gets her kickass debut is AWE-SOME. Legit. Batman and Superman are all “HERP DERP DERP” but Wonder Woman gets shit done and it’s freaking marvelous. Superman disappears for a while to go have a moment with Lois Lane because really, what’s a few more dead civilians when you have a death count like Supes at this point? But honestly, I didn’t even care because Wonder Woman was so bloody fantastic.

Stay the hell away from this movie. Seriously. BUT, if you can get a cut of the film that takes out 80% of the filler nonsense and dream sequences, you might have something worthwhile. If you get THAT movie (and not the director’s cut to come with an ADDITIONAL HOUR OF HELL), then check it out. The only real reason to watch this film is for Wonder Woman and there’s not NEARLY enough of her to make it worth it.

Stephanie Cooke
Stephanie is a Toronto based writer and editor. She's a comic book fan, avid gamer, movie watcher, lover of music, and sarcasm. She is a purveyor of too many projects and has done work for Talking Comics, JoBlo.com, Agents of Geek, Word of the Nerd, C&G Magazine, Dork Shelf, and more. Her writing credits include "Home Sweet Huck" (Mark Millar's Millarworld Annual 2017), "Lungarella (Secret Loves of Geek Girls, 2016), "Behind Enemy Linens" (BLOCKED Anthology, 2017), "Home and Country" (Toronto Comics Anthology, 2017) and more to come. You can read more about her shenanigans over on her <a href="http://www.stephaniecooke.ca">personal web site</a>.

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