It’s a golden age for comic book movies. While some may lament changes to the source material, be aware that things can sometimes be much, much worse when they remain faithful. With that in mind, I took it upon myself to find some of the cringe-worthy characters comics have to offer. I would like to state for the record that I am of sound mind and (questionable) judgement at the time of writing this article.
Assembling this list has taken me on a journey down the proverbial rabbit-hole (rabbit’s-hole?). Filled with so many undigested turds, a colonoscopy administered via Shop-Vac could only begin to address the problem.
So join me as I embark on a quest no one in their right mind should ever choose to undertake. As we slog through the neck-high sewage, know that I am there with you. Breathing in the same toxic fumes as we travel further down the sh*t-streaked abyss. I hope you brought your snorkel and swimsuit, because this journey is not for the faint of heart. Abandon all hope ye who enter and remember, you’ve been warned.
5. Armless Master (DC Comics)
Strengths: Martial Arts
Weaknesses: Lack of arms
The brother of Legless Master, (I honestly can’t even make this sh*t up) Armless Master honed his ability to kick-ass, and require assistance in order to chew bubblegum as a youth in Thailand’s fighting scene. He was the mentor of both Catwoman, Hellhound and many others for reasons beyond my understanding. He was then killed by Lady Shiva who is said to be the greatest martial artist, due in large part to her advantage of possessing twice as many limbs as he did.
Let me ask you. Would you study martial arts from a man with no arms? If so, consider if you would accept driving instruction from someone unable to use a steering wheel and gas pedal at the same time.
4. Eye-Scream (Marvel Comics)
Strengths: Tastiness
Weakness’s: Room temperature
No list of awful comic characters would be complete without this guy. You see, Eye-Scream has the ability to turn his body into sweet delicious soft-serve ice-cream! Not just your pedestrian, off the shelf vanilla kind either, literally ANY flavour he desires! Was it ‘take your kid to work day’ and this is the result of leaving their’s unattended, leaving to get day-drunk on toilet wine? Did the guy have an immediate stroke after writing the words ‘new character:’ on a piece of paper and Eye-Scream was the only way he could describe what he was feeling at the time? So many questions, tragically few answers.
3. Doctor No-Face (DC Comics)
Strengths: Having no face
Weaknesses: Having no f*cking face
During a failed attempt to remove a facial scar with an invention of his design, Bartholomew Magan wound up removing his own face in the process. He then adopted the moniker of Dr No-Face and his spree of face-removal based shenannigans began. He would have continued, had he not been promptly defeated by Batman and the man-boy-wonder. His defeat at the hands of the Caped Crusader and his young ward (if thats what we’re still calling it) was made possible by the unfortunate reality, that not having a face is kind of important when one plans on doing, well, ANYTHING really…
He’s a villain with Helen Keller grade senses of sight, hearing and speech, these are not generally considered superpowers. His evil schemes mostly centered around defacing (see what he did there?) public billboards and movie posters. Why? You might ask, because comics is why.
2. Cottonmouth
Strengths: ????
Weaknesses: Anyone that doesn’t immediately die of laughter after seeing this guy.
1. Literally EVERY member of Section 8 (DC Comics)
Strengths: Batshit insanity
Weakness’s: Logic and reason
I could write an entire article detailing the abject ridiculousness of Section 8. However that would only scratch the surface of who are objectively the worst “superhero team” out there. There have been many members since they began, nevertheless i’ll do my best to cover the most noteworthy.
The team is led by a morbidly obese man calling himself “Sixpack”. His abilities include crippling alcoholism and blackout drunkenness. Sixpack’s weapon of choice is the broken beer bottle, which he uses to deliver swift alcoholic justice against his foes!
He is accompanied by Jean de Baton-Baton. His superpowers begin and end with being extremely french. How french you might ask yourself? Well Mr Baton-Baton battles evildoers by beating them to a bloody pulp with baguettes and mildly annoying others by flinging garlic and onion rings into their eyes.
There’s Dogwelder, a man with no need for the spoken word. His modus operandi involves spot-welding dead canines to those foolhardy enough to cross him. Who needs killer catchphrases and one-liner’s when you can just fuse a dead animal to someone.
Let’s not forget The Defenestrator. Whose particular brand of crime fighting comes in the form of hurling criminals (and at times, local law enforcement) through a plate-glass window he meticulously carries on his person at all times.
We also have “Shakes” a disheveled, homeless man. He confronts those who would do him harm by causing them profound discomfort and sadness by demonstrating his severe palsy and a debilitating speech impediment. In an altercation with “The Many Angled Ones” he took a grenade from ally Natt The Hat and ran towards a nearby gas station, hilariously ending his own life and cutting his crime fighting career short.
Finally lets look at Bueno Excellente. He is a balding, overweight latino pornstar in an overcoat who fights evil by being generally creepy as f*ck. It’s also important to note that he once date-raped former green lantern Kyle Rayner by roofieing his drink. This isn’t delved into much further since Kyle remains unaware it ever happened in the first place.
So there you have it, we’ve reached the light at the end of this proverbial sh*t-tunnel. If you need to wash some of the filth off of yourself, feel free to use my garden hose out back
