You know that movie, The Santa Clause? Where ostensibly, anyone who murders Santa gets to take up his mantle? (Okay, that movie was more messed up than I realized).
Anyway. What if popular comicbook characters pushed Santa off the colloquial roof? What if they became Santa for the night?
What would they do?
1. Iron Man
Tony Stark doesn’t have time for this Santa stuff. He builds a drone army to do the work and hangs back at the North Pole drinking too much eggnog with the pointy-eared ladies. Accidentally incites the apocalypse.
2. Rick Grimes
Takes 16 years to deliver the presents. Stops abruptly with no warning.
3. Doctor Doom
Doctor Doom doesn’t give presents. He receives them. You give him your presents. He doesn’t really want that puppy you asked for or the Barbie dream house, but that’s not the point. It’s the principle of the thing.
Isn’t quick enough. Feels guilty. Makes a deal with Satan so everyone forgets about it.
Presents are under the tree, but the cat is gone.
Delivers all the presents in one night, taking care to consume all the cookies and milk left out for him. What did you expect?
Batman doesn’t do Christmas. His parents are dead. He’s a loner, a sentinel. He sits in his mansion all alone, with nobody but Alfred, and Damian, and Dick, and Jason, and Tim, and Barbara, and Selina, and Kate, and Helena, and his dad from the Flashpoint timeline.
8. The Joker
Where are Mommy and Daddy and why are the presents bleeding?
9. Reed Richards
Creates an inter-dimensional portal that allows him to enter every fireplace simultaneously. Accidentally incites the apocalypse.
The cookies are untouched but the milk is empty.
A very happy Christmas morning for everyone who lives on the coast.
12. Batman (The Dark Knight Returns)
Christmas is part of a capitalist agenda. He’s not delivering any presents, no way. He’s dragging employees out of Best Buy and beating them in the streets. There’s your PS5.
Xavier uses Cerebro to read the mind of every child on the planet and find out what they want for Christmas. To me, my X-Men! Forge designs the toys. Jamie and Jamie and Jamie and Jamie assemble them. Doop is there for some reason. Nightcrawler BAMF!’s into all the houses to deliver presents. It’s a nice Christmas but it all gets retconned later.
Shiny things under the tree distract from shiny things missing everywhere else.
15. Dr. Manhattan
It’s December 25. He doesn’t understand why everyone is upset. It still has the same number of atoms. What’s the difference?
It’s December 24. Little Suzy wants a kitten.
BONUS: 16. Rob Liefeld
Shows up at 2AM. Spends hours telling you how lame all the other Santas are. Realizes oh crap, it’s almost morning. Gives you an opened pack of cigarettes from one of his many pouches. Leaves.
Merry Christmas, and may your holidays be geeky.