There’s so many things that I can say about Thor: Ragnarok. The first being that it’s a fantastic film that allows the ridiculous nature of Thor and company to explore their characters on screen for all to see. Seriously! It does a vast amount with the characters’ development and even attempts to give everyone as much screentime as humanly possible. The second is that this movie is just a full-blown thirst trap. It’s monstrous to have all these beautiful people on screen at once. Marvel, you’re monster. There, I said it.

Instead of a full review, cause I’m at Tribeca Film Festival for two whole weeks (pray for me), I’d like to dedicate some of my time (my very late time) to giving you guys a thirst ranking of this entire cast. If you don’t agree with this ranking, please don’t @ me. I’m probably sitting in a dark theater with many strangers thinking about Valkyrie right this second. Enjoy the ranking.

VALKYRIE
THIRST LEVEL: ??????????

Valkyrie was a small presence in the comics. Mighty in execution, but mightier now that she’s on the big screen. Valkyrie is none-other than the gorgeous, stunning, and cutest lady in queer Hollywood, Tessa Thompson. There was no one else that would kill this role better than her. She kills as the hard-drinking ex-Valkyrie who gave up that life after tragedy and now works as a scrapper. Once Valkyrie came out of her weird space-craft thing, slurred her speech, and landed on the junker group, the audience was enamored with her, and so was I. This magnificent, celestial being is everything that we needed in the MCU that we’re lucky to get now. Bless you, homegirl.

THOR
THIRST LEVEL: ??????????

So, fun fact, I didn’t enjoy the first two Thor movies. That really shouldn’t surprise anyone by this point. They weren’t great in capturing who Thor was as a character, but before you stone me, it did give it a good try! As he progresses in the MCU, Thor has become much more of the Thor that we deserve. He’s become this goofball that’s still finding himself. He’s still figuring out his power, and what truly makes him THOR. In Thor: Ragnorak, it touches on him not relying on the hammer for his power but relying on himself and the power within. It gives him that space to be a bigger goofball and to show the MCU that not everything has to be serious 24/7.

I think of any Avenger; I want to see Thor win the most (next would be Scarlet Witch, and then probably Black Widow). OH, how dare I forget. We also get a complete Thor makeover that is *chef’s kiss* nothing but fantastic. His long dirty blonde locks cut into a short dirty blonde frat boy look. He’s muscled out, painted up for battle, and now has the sparks in his eyes that we’ve always craved.

HEIMDALL
THIRST LEVEL: ??????

I feel like thirsting over Idris Elba is a given, but in this movie, it’s even better now. After being away from Asgard for so long, we often wonder about everyone else on the planet. Heimdall is the one that’s always the most loyal to Asgard, and, to me, always gets the short end of things because he’s the keeper of transportation. Heimdall gets the wise dreadlock hairdo and warrior look. YUM. He’s much more of a man out of his element (y’ know as the keeper of transportation) into this protector of Asgard in general while everyone’s fucking about. #JusticeforHeimdallsFineAss

HELA
THIRST LEVEL: ?????

Hela is GREAT in theory. Hela is GREAT in looks. However, Hela is NOT GREAT in execution, which is a bummer and why she got such a low score. Cate Blanchett looks the part of Hela. I don’t think any other actress can sincerely pull off what she did with the characters. I also don’t think that her character, how do I put this, did anything in the movie.

Yes, she tried to take over Asgard. She charged up Thor’s powers and fucked up his eyes. Yes, she looks damn good in her suit. But I think this was more of a “Marvel villain” problem than anything. She didn’t have any good material to work with to boost HER character and tell us more about her. I would have appreciated her more if that was the case. Cate Blanchett is still a fucking dream though.

GRANDMASTER
THIRST LEVEL: ??????

We’re not going to talk about this much ’cause I’ll lay all my cards are on the table. It’s Jeff Goldblum. That already deserves 5, right? In this movie, he plays a presumably pansexual character who’s a slave trader, and he was in and out so fast that his appearance was just SURPRISE. 6/10 thirsts. Please don’t @ me.

HULK
THIRST LEVEL: ???????

Man, Gladiator Hulk is a Hulk I didn’t know I wanted. This was a GOOD look for the big man and the one that I was amped to see in the theater. There was such a big love/hate from me in what they did to the character. They Stockholm Syndrome’d Hulk to fight in every single battle and make him the champion. They showed him love and bravery instead of hatred and anger (misdirected tbh). He seemed to be living the good life in space, but that wasn’t his home. I love the character of Hulk because he’s gone through SO much. This seemed like the first time where his skills were recognized as impressive. I could go on forever about the psychology of The Hulk. #ILoveYouHulk

LOKI
THIRST LEVEL: ??????

Loki has done a shitload to get to this point. Loki as a character has always been just this sneaky, manipulative trickster god that can get out of any situation that he’s in. It’s fantastic for the character, and Tom Hiddleston has NEVER been better as Loki than he is right now. As a viewer, though, I’m also a little burnt out from Loki, but I think that’s because the first few movies Loki is like … meh. There are so many better ways that you can use this character, and Ragnarok does it the best out of all the movies he’s been in. He’s funny in this and has excellent chemistry with Thor (and with the whole cast if I’m honest). There are genuinely funny moments with him in this that makes me love him again.

SKURGE / EXECUTIONER

THIRST LEVEL: – ?

I honestly just don’t know what to say about this character, because I just didn’t get him. So, I brought a special guest to tell you why he’s ranked so low.

Michael Farris: He named his M-16s after Cowboys players.

Nailed it.

KORG
THIRST LEVEL: ?????
Controversial opinion, Korg is very lovely, loyal, and understanding. He’ll listen to you even though he’s trapped in a battle royale situation with a dude named Doug as his best friend. To be honest, I really wanted the best for Korg as well. I was hoping that he’d come in and help save the day because he was so lovely! That’s why Korg gets a very high ranking because he’s so lovely!