Ladies and Gentlemen,

Art by David Ayala
Art by David Ayala

After an election of lying politicians, sure to screw you over once they are in office, it is clear that it is time for an alternative.  What this country needs is a being of power, of bearing, of honesty, and age.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this country needs to elect Cthulu for president “because why choose between the lesser of two evils, when a truly Great Evil is an option?”TM

You might ask, just who is the great Cthulu, pronounced kə-THOO-loo, you might be asking?  He is one of “the Great Old Ones who lived ages before there were any men, and who came to the young world out of the sky”.  Who wouldn’t want a God as ruler of this great country, for who better to hold the most powerful office in the world, then the most powerful being in the world?

Cthulu brings a bit to the table for everyone.  He promises the dissolution of unions, as all of America will be enslaved and slaves do not form unions.  Likewise he promises universal healthcare, in that anyone who receives a major injury making them unable to work will immediately be given medical attention, in the form of an ax to the neck.  Not only will that cut down on medical costs for everyone, it insures that social security will not collapse on itself as everyone will be dead before the age of 65.

On taxes, Cthulu will keep everyone happy.  For the communists/socialists, Cthulu promises to do away with the class system.  Indeed, in his system of universal slavery everyone will be of equal class.  Truly, one must weep in joy at this thought.  For the conservative, Cthulu promises to do away with taxes all together.  As you will be enslaved, and thus not have anything of worth, taxing would be pointless.

As for gun control, Cthulu promises to be incredibly strict on banning guns.  Guns can be used to rebel, and while the Great and Powerful Cthulu occasionally gets bored, he does not like putting down the rebellions of his slaves.  Remember, guns are the last defense against a tyrannical government and Cthulu needs to insure that his survives.

Cthulu guarantee that he will keep his promises.  He is promising a dictatorship in worship of him and that is what he will put into place upon his election.  You may find that idea horrifying, but I ask you this: isn’t this kind of candid honesty what is missing in our politicians?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I implore you think about the current state of society.  Is anyone truly happy with how things are going? I say no.  And does anyone think either McCain or Obama will change things significantly?  Again, I say no.  Cthulu promises that things will never be the same once he is elected.  I beg of you: “Vote For Change” BTM*, Vote For Cthulu

*Broken Trademark, as this is technically from Obama, but he knows that the consequences of pissing off the Great and Powerful Cthulu are too great.

Stephen Combs
An amateur writers based in St. Louis who would eventually like to change the amateur part, Stephen can be seen at the St. Louis Renaissance Faire as a regular cast member or online in World of Warcraft as part of guild Gnomergan Forever .

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