blob-1An alien life form that crashes to Earth in a meteorite terrorizes a small town. It traps and disgusts everything in its path, grower larger with each victim consumed and seemingly indestructible.

Amelia: This movie opened like a Pixar movie. No, seriously. You remember how Monsters Inc. opened with that jazzy song so as to not frighten the little ones with a misleading tone? That’s how The Blob opens. And it did it for the same reasons! They didn’t want people to get up and leave right away! Monsters Inc. would have definitely set the wrong mood without that upbeat number beforehand, but The Blob? Eh, it could have used a little tension. Honestly, for that first hour, it could have used a little… anything.

Billy: I’ll start with the negatives. Because, look, I’m all for slower pace, but there’s still something to be said for making sure your movie stays on track. Too many early scenes just drag on. The fact that the second victim is also about to go on vacation is a useless bit of backstory since it all happens in the same night anyways. A ton of the camera work in these early scenes are just as boring.

Amelia: Why in the name of all things teen-aged is Steve McQueen here trying to act like a seventeen year old?! He was twenty eight while filming this movie! His big ass wedding ring is visible near the end of the movie, not to mention is big ass crow’s feet! What a ridiculous choice. And here’s an important question for you, how old was his movie girlfriend? If she was an actual teen, that opening scene of McQueen macking on her is extra gross.

Ah yes, that’s TOTALLY a teen boy roughing up that man

Billy: I kind of love the eventual theme this movie settles upon, which seems to be the value of teen culture and their right to rebel against authority. Steve is ballsy as hell for getting that air raid siren going. I really like Dave throughout this. He gives the teens a pass and seems to shirk authority, but when the time calls for it he steps up. I actually didn’t realize he was the cop in charge of everyone else until he actually stepped up at the end! A great reveal. As the Blob is taking over, I love that the end of this movie depends on a principal vandalising his own high school, the ultimate regression into teenage rebellion.

Amelia: If this movie moved any slower it would be standing still. By the hour mark, I was so utterly bored! There was literally nothing happening. Still pictures of Steve McQueen furrowing his nearly middle-aged face as he pretended to be a teen would have gotten more story and action across!

As you can probably tell, I don’t have much to say about this movie that’s constructive. Billy’s got that covered. I’ve got your smartass, sarcastic comments though, so who’s the real winner here? Me. It’s me. Though not really because I still had to sit through this.


Billy: I guess I need to talk about the monster! It is everything I wanted. It’s iconic. And it’s so goddamn cheap. Miniatures are so well used. Like, it’s completely obvious when we cut to a tiny model of a building instead of the real thing. It’s so endearing! I love how the Blob gets redder as the movie goes on, as it consumes more lives. Such an eerie, subtle effect that works so well in a movie made in a time when colour was a luxury. We needed more of it! At the end of the movie, the Blob is defeated for as long as the arctic stays cold. Hahahahaha we are so fucked.

Spooky Verdict

Amelia: Two and a half blobfish out of ten


So. Dull.

Billy: Four blobfish out of ten


My verdict 100% depended on how the dog fared by the end of the movie. He didn’t die, but he also wasn’t really seen after a certain point? I have mixed feelings on that. Honestly, I think this movie does good things once it picks up, but it just takes too long to pick up. If you’re at the drive-in, feel free to make out for the first hour before deciding to stop and pay attention.


Amelia Wellman
I read, I write, I play videogames, Ghostbusters is my favourite thing in the known universe, but quasars come in at a close second. I've been known to cry at the drop of a hat over happy and sad things alike. I've also been known to fly into a rage if things don't go my way, leading to many a fight in high school and breaking someone's nose on the TTC one time. I'm an anxious introvert but also a loud-mouthed bad influence. Especially on my cat. He learned it from watching me, okay!

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